My mind just wandered off and I thought about back then! Back then… we were young, attractive, arrogant, wild and incredibly horny. We hung around all night, lived on air and love and enjoyed life to the fullest. If someone had raved to me about healthy cooking back then, I would have laughed in their face.
Well, it was a while back then and the wild, impetuous tomcat full of testosterone has become a spoiled mansion resident who indulges in the luxurious lifestyle, keeps fit by dancing in front of the television and takes care of his affluent belly with fine dining. Hmm, I would have had to do something long ago if I didn’t want to end up like my can opener, who keeps complaining that he no longer fits into his made-to-measure shirts, even though he is extremely disciplined (and eats like it too). By the way, eating is supposed to be the sex of old age!
According to scientific findings, eating healthy is not so far-fetched if you want to become an elderly tomcat at some point. Vitamins, antioxidants and co. are true fountains of youth.
Suddenly I hear my reasonable inner voice: “You are what you eat! Get up you lazy cat and do something for your health and wellbeing. You’re on the highway to hell!”
Yes, yes! I leisurely turn over on my luxury garden lounger so my paws can cool off in the covered pool. I dreamily look into the dense treetop, the bright blue sky above me and my thoughts drift with the clouds. Cooking has always been my passion, of course only sophisticated cuisine with lots of protein. Well-seasoned dry aged beef, fish and Norway lobster have always been some of my favourite staple foods. Vegetables and salads are usually just an unavoidable decoration or in the form of a prairie oyster (tomato juice with a raw egg!), as a hangover breakfast after a night of drinking.
Again I turn, groaning on my bed, into a more comfortable position. Ahhhhh, how wonderful it would be to be young and bubbly again – the pleasant thought washes over me so intensely that I jump up, grope my way to the fridge with integrated glasshouse and gorge at an insane rate until it’s empty. In the high-tech kitchen of our upper-class villa, it has recently been spring all year round, which makes your mouth water. The growth of salads and herbs is aesthetically staged and the result is fully preserved nutrients and aromas that were not thought possible. That reminds me of the commercial with the grey Burmese beauty when her can opener places a parsley leaf on the aluminium can food – if my owner were to dawdle around smiling like that while serving, I would have to put him up for adoption.
After my binge eating, I sit in the blue light of the open refrigerator door with my belly sticking out and nibble on my bad conscience, while a stream of air that smells intensely of liver pâté and onions makes its way between my teeth and leads to freedom. So that was it, the absolute nadir. I will change my life completely.
I’m still a passionate cook, but with vegetables as the main protagonist and organic meat or fish that’s not overbred as a side dish. I season with fresh “vertical farming” herbs, develop sophisticated and fine-tasting convenience dishes for overweight conspecifics. My vegetarian and vegan line is just as fantastic as my online shop and recipe blog. My cooking videos and my appearance on social networks are cult classics. I’m fantastic looking, more than fit and of course my own promotional testimonial. My cookbooks for slim tomcats are selling like hot cakes. Signed with a paw, of course. Readers: take a look inside, my life is perfect.
Then I open my eyes and can still see the dense treetop above me and the sky, which is now shimmering and a bit pale. Well, you’ve read a lot about how healthy vegetables really are with all that pesticide exposure, but at least I’m still arrogant to perfection. At the next full moon, I’ll go out like I did back then and get that “young and crisp feeling” back in a simple way!
… but now I have to order the delivery service and have the fridge filled. Ok, there will also be a little decoration, because after all I strive for conscious living and individual freedom …